My gym opened back up when he was still in intensive care. I went to the first class I could get to. Everything inside me was so heavy and grieving, not knowing what would happen with him. My brother and lifelong best friend. I desperately needed somewhere to put all of that.
So I showed up, heart heavy and an emotional hot mess. But I could keep it together for 45 minutes, I figured.
That day I rowed my little heart out, did my All Outs with such intensity that I’m surprised I didn’t fly right off the treadmill – for that time and space, for that class, I took all my uncertainty and fear and sadness and poured it into that workout. I had never gotten 32 splat points in a single class before, and much less a shorter class.
And 3 days later when he died and my heart felt like it might crack right in half from the staggering loss, I knew I needed to get back in there and channel all that raw grief through moving my body or it might just break me.
I didn’t necessarily want to go to the gym or work out or sweat, and it was awful at times, waking up and getting out the door. But I knew my brother would want me to live my life All Out and part of that was showing up for myself and turning into the best version of me.
There were some awkward times, a song would come on that reminded me of him and there were moments I would start to cry and then do the fake cough so it looked like my eyes were tearing up from that. And then I would hear his voice in my head and imagine what he would say and then would laugh. I was super grateful that we were social distancing and no one could really see my strange cry/laugh like I was a loon.
It’s not been easy, living without him. It’s been pretty sucky in a lot of ways. But after I got my 1999 tattoo reminding me to live my best life, I show up at the gym and see that same sentiment on the wall – Live life all out – I know he is there with me, rooting for me, cheering me on to get my ass moving and keep fit and keep healthy and do what he can’t do anymore.
I remember how much he wanted to get back out there and be active again and his body just would not let him. So I think about that as I’m trudging up that 11% level incline at a snail’s pace, how lucky I am that I get to be there and move my healthy body. What an absolute miracle it all really is. As that fan is blowing in my face and I’m full on riding that struggle bus, especially on that damn Ab Dolly trying to shakily pull my body in for a freaking pike, I’m realizing how fortunate I am to be doing what my bro wanted to be able to do.
God I miss him so much and it hurts every day that he’s not here. It never will not fully suck that my big brother is gone from this life, but I totes feel him next to me, and when that “random” Prince song comes on when I’m struggling to keep my legs going on that treadmill, or lift that dang medicine ball for the 408th time it seems, I hear him saying “Let’s go, betch.” So I’ll keep showing up. And bless those Orangetheory friends for showing up for me too all the days, not knowing what a difficult journey these last few months have been., making it so much easier to get that workout in by showing me exactly what to do, instead of me standing around stoic and sad and unsure of what to do and how to move my body at some random regular gym.
It’s been one of the biggest blessings of my life this year, and I know there are so many out there sitting in loss and sitting in sadness and grief, so I wanted to offer this little morsel of what has truly helped me in this season on the off chance it may help one other soul.
If you have an Orangetheory near you and you haven’t tried it – seriously do so. They can help you modify any of the things and I certainly never run or strain myself but it has sure been a game changer for my mental health also.
Check it out Here. and you can find one close to you and get a trial class set up. Or get a fitness app, check out a workout YouTube video, go for a run or a walk, whatever gets you moving and gets that energy going through you. And let me know how it goes. I really want to hear.
And in the meantime, keep fucking going. Tay and I are rooting for you.
With love and honey,
Buzz
